5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships
Happy First Day of Spring! Have you been feeling insecure in your relationships? Do you notice when you are with your significant one or best friend, he or she feels not trustworthy? Did you share your feelings with your trusted friend or family member about the insecurity in your relationships? Let me tell you a story about myself.
In my story…
When my former husband abused me and my young sons physically and verbally, our marriage was terribly abusive and violent. As of January 2002, my former husband finally walked out on us.
Before he walked out of our house, he told me that he did not love me and that he wanted a freedom for his life. He called me many offensive names, his anger toward me and my sons was horrific! But he finally left us… I was a very insecure person. I was crying and I was feeling emotionally “lost” in nowhere. I had lost nearly all my friends. I did not have any job.
I had a hard time finding my time to start over again with my single life and with my two young sons. I was a single mother and took care of my boys when they were 2 and 6 years old. They were very innocent children… My mother did not help at all. I had no brothers nor sisters. I was the only child in my family.
In 2007, my former husband divorced me.
In the mid-2008, I battled the solo custody with my former husband. He wanted the joint custody of our second son. My first son was not his biological son. My lawyer and I fought to win the solo custody of our second son. I did not want to share the joint custody in order to protect my second son away from his violent father since he abused me and my sons physically.
My battle of the solo custody in the court was very ugly but it made me feeling very strongly enough to stand up and speak truthfully. I felt so positive that I won the solo custody of my second son successfully. I gave my great thankfulness to my Lord for giving me the best strength that I really needed. I did win my solo custody of my second son for good!
When the court was finally over, I had to figure out where to start over with my single motherhood and my sons at home. I yelled at myself to stop being scared and insecure, I went ahead to move on and start over. I told myself that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13). I did not care what others think of me as a poor mother or insecure wife or sinful person. But, I believed that the Lord loved me and He was with me all the way.
In a few months later, I found my new job and I found my trusted friends whom I felt comfortable to talk with. I found my time alone because I needed a break from taking care of my sons. I found myself to spend more time with my two sons anywhere. I hadn’t thought nor obsessed with my past life. Still, the Lord was with me always. I was grateful that my life changed so much.
Two years ago, I met my boyfriend from my last job, we were a happy couple. I felt secure in my relationship with my boyfriend (current second husband). He is very amazing and sweet person whom I met in my life. I was very thankful and blessed to have my half one. We are together since one year and three months. My second husband is currently studying in criminal justice law. For me, I am a full-time blogger but I still want to study PhD in general psychology. Moreover, the Lord is continually with me always.
I found one of the articles from the blog, Marc and Angel. They are unbelievably fantastic writers!
“Most relationship problems and associated social anxieties start with bad communication, which in turn leads to attempted mind reading. Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when they don’t. This process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid route to feelings of insecurity and stress.” – Marc and Angel
If you think that your friends or family members would say something, you should not assume what they mean something. If your friends or family members do not have anything to say, do not assume that they hide their thoughts about you (or something else) and that they silence their words with others. Before you get to socialize with others, do not try to read minds. You need to start with respecting people’s thoughts or privacy. Try to avoid saying, “What are you thinking?” You can begin to say positively, “Hi, how are you? I am glad to see you here” or “Hello, my name is….”
2. Stop looking for perfect relationships.
That is very true, I wanted a perfect relationship but all previous dating relationships I had were failed because I just wanted to be a perfect woman. However, I realized that the whole dating relationships were imperfect, because the people were not so perfect. I asked myself, “Why I do need to find a perfect relationship with a perfect man?” Oh, well.. Everyone is not so perfect. The world is not perfect. All humans are not perfect. At last, I chose to give up a perfect relationship. And I needed to look for a healthy and balanced relationship instead of “perfect” relationship. I could feel more secure when I looked for a healthy and balanced relationship.
3. Stop judging current relationships based on past ones.
“Think about those times when you passed an unfair judgment on someone merely because they reminded you of someone from your past who treated you poorly. Sadly, some people pass judgments like these throughout the entire duration of their long-term relationships. Simply because they were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships have been nothing but kind and supportive.” – Marc and Angel
Ok, I am willing to admit that I did once judge my current husband whom I compared to my former husband, but I realized that I should had not compared to both my current husband and my former husband. I tell myself that my current husband is not like my former husband because I see in my own eyes that my current husband is very kind and humble person whom I really love the most. I feel more secure that my current husband is very good person to me and my sons. He and I have been married for one year and three months now. I look at our current marriage and I tell myself that I am so happy that it’s very different from my past marriage since it is very healthy. We both get along very well.
Now, you should never compare to your present one and the past ones. Do not judge how compare your current relationship is to the past ones. Just give yourself a break and begin to think positively about your present relationship.
4. Stop inventing problems that don’t exist.
“Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage. Too often we amuse ourselves with anxious predictions, deceive ourselves with negative thinking, and ultimately live in a state of hallucination about worst-case scenarios. We overlook everything but the plain, downright, simple, honest truth.” – Marc and Angel
Do not make up your problems with someone, he or she will not like that at all. When you bring up foolish problems with someone, your relationship can become your worst nightmare. If you feel insecure, then you need to give yourself some air and pick up something to think positive before you screw up your big problems with someone you admire. If you cannot handle the problems, give your problems to the Lord and He will take care of that for you. (1 Peter 5:7)
5. Stop focusing on the negatives.
“There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even if it seems perfect now, it won’t always be. Imperfection, however, is real and beautiful. The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations. It’s how two people accept and deal with the imperfections of their relationship that make it ideal.” – Marc and Angel
Ok, let me tell you something about focusing on the negatives. When I felt insecure, I focused on the negatives in result of gaining my worries for no reasons. I was scared of being judged from others since my final divorce. I was very humiliated being labeled as a “divorced” woman. In a few months later after my final divorce, I found that my friends were divorced and I was divorced, too. I realized that we were on the same boat and that I was not the only one who divorced person. Meeting my divorced friends, I was thankful that I was not alone. So I quit focusing on the negatives, they are wasted. Instead of focusing on the negatives, I go around more people who admire me, share my laughs often, and talking with friendly people. Sometime I create my own personal goals, I build my successful blogs here. I am very blessed to have my husband and sons who are very supportive people in my life. Every day, I feel so great when I focus on my positives. I do not forget that the Lord is still with me.
You need to quit focusing on the negatives in your life, there is something so special in your life. Start to think about something so good in your mind. If you continue to focus on the negatives, then stop yourself and start to pray and mediate your mind while resting. You can look for something positive anywhere and any day.
Now, here you go. What would you do if you feel insecure? Which one will you need to work on? Leave your message in the comment and I would love to read your comment.
P.S. please do not write any negative comments, I have my right to remove an inappropriate comments including offensive, rude, profane, disparaging, discriminatory, and otherwise offensive overtones and/or language.